


A Bellarke Christmas Carol

by Lovestory81



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Bellamy Blake the storyteller, Bellamy finally making amends, Drinking wine together, F/M, Romance, Sexual Tension, The Heart opens, Unexpected nightly visit, Waking up in a dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:35:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22265725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovestory81/pseuds/Lovestory81
Summary: You probably heard of the movie or musical "a Christmas Carol"....This time Bellamy experiences a dream like that. And boy, does he have to go through some heavy stuff from the past, things he rather not speak about ever again...But he needs to open up, it's time for a change. This dream explains a lot to us, but mostly to Bellamy and Clarke.Bellamy kinda takes the place of Ebenezer Scrooge! ;)---A Christmas Carol was originally about a grumpy ignorant old man, Ebenezer Scrooge, who lives his life using others, not being fair to himself. Until some ghosts visit him : the ghosts of the past, present and future, to talk some sense into him. To show him what will happen if he continues to live like this.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	1. There's a first time for everything

It was Christmas eve when Clarke went to bed early, after packing Madi's self made gift. A beautiful drawing of her with Picasso. Finally she was just a kid, free from being the commander, leading her people. There hadn't been a Christmas like this before ever since they left the Ark. And not long ago she'd imagined it very different. This Christmas was supposed to be peaceful, maybe romantic even, spending time with friends and family on this new planet. A girl can dream...But also can a boy...and what a dream he had!

Bellamy sat at the bar with Murphy, a bottle of strong booze in front of them. Celebrating Christmas without his sister just wasn't the same. Not being at war, no fights, being surrounded by only people who wanted peace was something different. But after every sip, he blinked his eyes, fighting this everlasting silent battle, ignoring memories and certain feelings. Every emotion he felt right now wasn't allowed, Bellamy crawled back into his shell. Changing back into who he was on the Ring: a survivor, the lonely leader, half a soulmate, carrying the heavy burden of guilt, sadness and grief on his shoulders.

And while he slowly emptied the bottle with Murphy, she fell asleep above them, Clarke. Extremely tired...completely worn out, like she physically -finally- felt every battle and struggle she went through in the past 131 years. Loosing mom on top of everything else had made her so weak that everything was to much for her right now.

At least Madi was safe and Clarke gave everything to be the kind of mom she once was, but it was impossible without any help. Oh and she gave up leading, for the first time since she'd left the Ark. Which created more distance between her and Bellamy...which was exactly the point. There was definitely more between them and without ever mentioning one word about it, they  **both knew.**

And like always, to much had happened...The timing had always been wrong, things were to complicated and they were both broken. Until that night. The night before Christmas...

Yawning and far from being awake, Clarke woke up in the middle of the night...And it was always the same, she had to get out of bed to pee, while she was freezing.

When she got back, still a bit shaky because of the cold night, she crawled back in bed, hoping to fall asleep again. But she got a scare when someone suddenly knocked her door

“Who's there!”

“Ssshhh” she heard from the other side of the door.

Cautiously she crawled out of bed  _who could this be_ ...her hand slightly trembling when reaching for the door handle, because she was still cold and now also scared. 

But wait- you couldn't just trust everyone here. “I said who's there!”

Carefully she opened the door a crack and with her foot against the door she peaked...But the person on the other side seemed a bit in a hurry and pushed the door open.

“Hey!”

“I said ssshh, be quiet.”

What a surprise, her heart jumped when she saw it was Bellamy. He just stood there, observing her top to toe, leaning against the door post.

“Are you alright?!” she snapped. He frowned, not a clue what he did wrong here. As an answer he put his index finger on his lips, repeating his “Sshh” and then glanced behind him, into the hallway, making sure every bedroom door stayed closed and he could come in unseen.

Clarke was surprised to see him at this hour...His eyes...they were still staring, because of what she wore; black lace panties and a to short nightshirt made of this eye catching see-through-ish fabric. Yes he could see the shape of her breasts, her divine bode just took his breath away for a second...

"Bellamy" she mouthed with a nervous smile, when he started to walk inside her bedroom. Unsure of what to think of the big goofy grin on his face.

The way he approached her, holding his lustful gaze, made her walk backwards and to make him stop she just froze in front of him, folding her arms "So...what are you doing here?” their noses almost touched, that's how close he was.

Bellamy smirked and moved his eyebrows...instead of stopping he suddenly grabbed her and playfully pushed her on the bed. Clarke's face when he did that! She startled and made a noise, but once she landed on the bed she nervously giggled. Even more when he placed his hands on the bed, next to her sides and crawled on there, to stare in her eyes.

“You can try to keep playing the same games, but I don't think you actually want me to stop.” he provoked and bend in to kiss her! 

Oh she was so in love with this man and of course she eagerly answered his sweet and tender kiss, her hands on his chest, to keep him there. This deep love caused these strong weird feeling inside, worse even then the butterflies, who were already there as well.

A few seconds later she carefully pushed him away, just before the kiss got to intense, which would have lead to the point where it was impossible to stop. She gasped for air while he made an almost uncontrollable move to continue the kiss. They were both blushing... “Bellamy?”

"Merry Christmas" he panted with a soft voice.

"Merry Christmas...?"

He then moved off her on his side and snuggled up against her, spoiling her with little kisses in the neck.

It was like their lips were being pulled together again like a magnet, their body's longing for each other so much, but it was 'the head' who ended the romance, for now.

"Bellamy stop, we can't do this. And why aren't you in your own bed? With your girlfriend?" she pronounced the last words a little louder, which made his head jump up, looking over her shoulder.

"I just had to come and see you...It's Christmas." He flirted, but then got serious. "You know, I just had this weird dream...It changed me Clarke."

“You drank to much...I can taste the booze.” Clarke moved to get up and left the bed “Come on, time to leave.”

But he wasn't drunk and he sure wasn't kidding, with a pair of sad eyes he pouted,to tease her a bit.

It wasn't easy not to laugh and she just stood there, next to the bed, hands in her side.

Bellamy tried to convince her “I could just make you blush even more by telling you how incredibly sexy you look and confess that I'm having trouble to keep my eyes and hands off you... Or... you could just hear me out?...it's important, I'm not kidding.” 

There was this big frown on her forehead, he sighed.

Clarke, I'm not drunk ok. I just woke up from the weirdest dream that I really have to share with you.”

“At this hour?...and it was necessary to kiss me first?”

A cute blush appeared on his cheeks when he gave her a little nod to confirm.

It was a nice surprise when Clarke let herself fall back on the bed again, but instead of looking at him she started staring at the ceiling...”No more unexpected kisses”

“Oh come on you loved it.” Bellamy smiled, laying next to her -with some space left between them this time- on his side, staring at her...And tried to read every small detail in the expression of her face, patiently waiting. Giving her time to process the change in of him. Then, when he thought she was ready, he started to explain a few things about the dream he had....

Clarke hung onto every word he said...Bellamy wasn't the only one who loved old myths and stories.

Excitingly she suddenly began to rub her hands, almost clapping "Ebeneezer Scrooge! It's about an old man who pretty much messed up his life! We used to watch that movie at Christmas" she pointed out.

He chuckled because of her sudden nerdy behavior “I've never heard of him.”

Rolling her eyes she replied “You're kidding me. I thought you grew up with Myths and Legends Bellamy Blake...” she playfully pushed him in his side, then she moved a bit and rolled over on her belly, her eyes wide open, excitingly staring at him. "Why don't you tell me the whole story?"

His heart-eyes told her that was exactly what he wanted, but he got distracted and the alcohol made him stare at her cleavage. It was hard  **not** to check her out...

"Well I would love to, Clarke Griffin. Maybe for another kiss?"

  
  


But the flirty atmosphere suddenly changed and he felt his cheeks burn when she had him sober within seconds "What about Echo?"

The question was to be expected but he looked so disappointed, this wasn't a joke at all, he was here for a reason and snapped "Well she's not here is she?! Five minutes ago you didn't seem to have a problem with that."

“Excuse me prince charming, but I'm not the one with a girlfriend here! You're the one who decided it was a good idea to come storming into my room, practically jumping me, in the middle of the night.”

  
  


“Clarke?! You have no idea what you're doing to me and I can't help it that you're dressed like this.” he confessed.

“Seriously?! Then what did you expect when you came here! Besides, explaining your dream couldn't wait until tomorrow?!” 

“There's no need to raise your voice...I didn't come here to fight!” With his hands he pushed himself up to sit up and said with a softer tone in his voice “And I certainly didn't mean to upset you...I'm sorry ok?”

“Ok. I'm sorry too...I'm just a bit overwhelmed.”

Another silence followed. And he leaned back and lay down on the bed with his hands behind his head, now it was his turn to stare at the ceiling, deeply sighing. "Do you wanna hear it anyway?” he carefully asked.

“Of course I do”


	2. Where my story began

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the flirting, it's time to get serious. She needs some explanation about this nightly visit...Bellamy starts to tell his dream to Clarke, it takes some courage, but Clarke has a good solution to break the ice a little bit...

And so he started:

_I saw myself sitting outside, here in Sanctum in the Garden and felt lonely, although I was surrounded by their people, who all seemed happy...But I wasn't, at all...I heard myself yelling at a woman “No! I'm not celebrating with you, leave me alone!”_

_The woman was extremely patient with me and tried to explain something, but I was being a jerk._

_Suddenly, there was a hand on my shoulder, I jumped up, ready to bark again, but then I saw who it was...and my eyes filled up with tears._

“ _M-mom??”_

“ _Oh sweetheart...” it was really her Clarke. And I saw right away how much Octavia looks like her...When I wanted to get up to hug her my whole body felt heavy and when I looked down I noticed the chains on both my feet and hands._

_Her soft, caring hand disappeared in my hair -just like she used to do- as she stood before me “My son...You've been through so much...”_

_I grabbed her other hand and guided it to my face, so familiar to feel her touch and I deeply inhaled her scent, while I cried like a baby. We've always had a good bond, but then there was this deep feeling of guilt that's always haunting me..._

“ _You're dead because of me. I couldn't protect you, or O. And I still can't. Mom I made so many horrible mistakes and now she's gone...”_

_Then she knelt in front of me and cried with me, staring into my eyes “Oh Bellamy...When are you going to stop punishing yourself?”_

_I sobbed “How are you even here...You're not real are you?”_

_She brushed through my hair one last time and then reached out her hand “Get up, come on...It's heavy, but you'll get used to the chains soon enough. You're strong.”_

_So I did what she asked me to do...but I was in complete awe, questions started to rise in my mind. This is what I wished for, to see her once again, to be able to talk to my mom._

“ _Where are we going?” I asked just to hear her lovely calming voice._

_It was like I was little again, walking by my mom's side, holding on tightly to her soft hand. It made me feel safe, until she started to tell me what was about to happen..._

_She squeezed my hand “Some ghosts will visit you tonight Bellamy and it's going to be scary...and very confronting. But I've seen how brave you are and I know you can do this. If you don't take this serious, you'll end up just like him.” and she pointed at Russel who we saw in the distance, a man who seemed happy when they arrived. “I'm warning you my beloved son; the only way you'll loose everything, is if you hold on to the heavy burden that's on your shoulders. If you are not willing to change, you will become a bitter, lonely and unhappy man...”_

_New tears escaped my eyes, as I realized that part of me was already turning into that person, ever since we lost our mom. “I've missed you so much...”_

“ _I know, but we have no time.” all of a sudden she turned and took my shoulders “I am so proud of you, no matter what your subconscious is telling you, you hear? And I love you, someone once told you you're special, don't forget that -that was you Clarke-. And Bellamy, I'm grateful for the time we did have, the three of us, our little family. Without your protection they would've taken Octavia a lot earlier and- I need you to understand that.” she looked at me but all I could do is cry and nod “Do you understand Bellamy? Don't you ever forget it again.”_

_I pleaded “Mom please stay...I wanna talk to you.”_

“ _I'll always be with you, 'in here'.” she gently touched my chest “You have to let me go now sweetheart.”_

_And I already felt her hand slip away, I blinked but she was gone...My legs were so heavy...I sunk to the ground on my knees._

  
  


Bellamy stopped to draw a deep breath and looked away. Clarke was in awe of what he'd just told...It reminded her of the times she met her father in such realistic dreams or visions. Carefully she reached out and touched his wrist.

“That was so beautiful.”

He swallowed, the story only just began and he had a lot more to tell...and it wouldn't get easier...

But he continued, because he was meant to share it with Clarke:

  
  


_I wasn't over the fact that mom disappeared and I looked around when I heard someone behind me._

“ _Hey handsome” another familiar and pleasant voice. And you never guess who it was. It was Gina._

“ _Now don't you just stand there! Give me a hug!” and I did, she seemed happy and relaxed, just like she always was, the way her hands found their way through my curls again, she was a tough girl, but soft._

“ _You were my favorite boyfriend Bellamy.” she winked. ”But right now, I'm the ghost of your past...This is how it works, we kiss- and then...” the smirk on her face made me doubt and I frowned._

_She burst out laughing “Gotcha” she winked “Your hand will do” and she reached out for my hand._

“ _And then?” I got scared and stepped back._

“ _You'll see”_

“ _What if I don't want to?”_

_She nodded and stared in the distance, where Russel was “Like your mom said, you don't wanna end up like him. And I know that's exactly where you're scared of, loosing everyone you love...But it's not who you are. I saw both sides of you and I know which one is real.”_

_She stared in my eyes, her careless free spirit touched me once again...and I just took her hand, but I'd regret it soon._

  
  


_We somehow ended back up on the Ark, there were guards and when I saw Jaha pointing towards me I understood...Mom looked at me, crying, through the glass...Mouthing 'be brave' at me._

_Against me, my terrified little sister, clamping her arms around me as much as she could._

_This was the day that mom got floated._

_I looked at Gina, who was standing on my other side “I don't want to see this again.”_

_But she folded her arms “Then do something about it.”_

_I cried “I can't, these are the rules and I broke them by bringing Octavia to the ball.”_

_And suddenly Jaha walked up to me “Is that all you've got? Shouldn't you be standing here, begging me to stop?!”_

_Inside I was raging, my blood was boiling for this man, I wanted to kill him...”You bastard!” and I started to fight with him, but the guards grabbed me._

“ _Mr Blake, these are the rules. And you broke them.” then they took Octavia and my heart stung! I never realized they would take her as a prisoner._

_I screamed and tried to fight, but it was to late, mom got floated and they took O with them._

  
  


“Bellamy? Is this how it really happened?” Clarke interrupted. 

He nodded.

“I'm so sorry.” tears were in her eyes as she felt it, the image of how she's lost her father was always there when she thought of him. If there was one person who knew what it was like then it was Clarke.

There was this headache coming up and the booze from a few hours ago made him tired “I could use a drink, you want something too?” he was ready to go get something downstairs.

But Clarke stood up from the bed before him and offered “Well don't tell anyone, but I've got some wine in here...”

The smile on his face said a lot “Good, almost like a date, isn't it?” Clarke nodded and moved her eyebrows “We finally get that drink you promised me 131 years ago.”

Then she turned to get two glasses from the fancy dresser under the baroque style mirror. The crack in the middle was from when he almost smashed it off the wall when she wasn't Clarke anymore and locked him in this room...


	3. I want to skip these ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing mom and Gina again wasn't so bad, not at all actually...Compared to the next ghosts...Some things you want to leave in the past. But to make amends, you have to go back to your mistakes and dare to open up about them.

Bellamy rubbed his face, pulling himself together, as he was a little nervous to tell the rest of his story. As caring as Clarke was she carefully placed everything on the nightstand beside her bed. There was something extra with the eye contact when she opened the bottle and smelled the fruity flavor of this good red wine and poured it into the glasses.

There was a crack in his voice “Clarke...” emotions flickered across his face...After saving her life she stayed on his mind and longed to be around her all the time “come here”.

Without any questions she did what he asked for and walked right into his lap, with open arms. They embraced each other tight. Clarke deeply inhaled and then softly talked in his ear “I said it a long time ago, you're special. And your mom confirmed.”

She felt that he shook his head “If only I could tell you the meaning of this dream in one sentence, right now.”

“But you can't.” and she pulled away from the embrace, but stayed in his lap “You like red?” she reached out to give him a glass.

His lips curled “Yeah and I heard I missed that.”

Now she looked confused, Bellamy added “Something with you and a red dress?”

A wide smile spread across her face as she held her glass up and they clinked glasses. Both of them shyly smiled after sipping the wine. Clarke glanced at him, eagerly waiting for him to continue the story.

“Like this?” he smirked and of course loved it to still have her in his lap, but it was a bit to much. 

So Clarke stood up and took place beside him on the bed...

“You're ready for more I see...”

But she felt kinda embarrassed, because it was sad and tragic and obviously hard on him. “Only if you're up for it Bellamy. I mean, we could finish the wine and...”

“Yeah. I'd prefer something else too, but I have to share this with you first.” he winked.

“Bellamy...”

“You're blushing” he teased.

“I am not!”

But he only made things worse, he made a quick move to his side and stole a kiss from her...

Yes there definitely was a change in him, she could feel it and she honestly didn't want to stop.

After breaking off the short but intense kiss, he sipped his wine as if nothing had happened, eyes on the wall. “I should continue...”

She was thinking, YES he should continue the kiss, but he meant the story of course...

  
  


_We walked through the Ark, a guard on each side of me, like I was a criminal instead of the son who'd just lost his mother and sister...we passed the bar where the ball was not more then a week ago. “This is where it all started” Gina pointed out._

_But I shook my head, I was raging inside._

“ _If you are my damn ghost of the past then tell me- Just tell me! Spit it out Gina!”_

_She raised her hand and the guards stopped and let me go. “What Bellamy?”_

“ _If I didn't bring my little sister to the ball, our mom would still be alive! Would she!”_

_And I could almost hear her think when she waited to long to answer me “Look Bellamy, if they hadn't found out about her existence, they would have later. Your mom's fate was destined the moment she got herself pregnant again. All you ever do is play the victim, one of the things I hated about you.”_

_And because of the anger inside me I grabbed her and pushed her against the wall “You know nothing about me! I just used you for three months, because I was angry and scared...and I needed someone beside me.”_

_It was like it did nothing to her, she just laughed at me “And look who we have here...his better side, isn't it? You think I wasn't aware of that? 'Gina was real' blablabla, you just had nothing else to say about me._ _You just couldn't get what you wanted, because Clarke was gone._ _”_

_Pike and his man grabbed me, but I struggled and they had to strike me down with an electric shock. Pike bend over me...”What do you want Bellamy?”_

“ _I want this to be over”_

_He laughed “You want to walk away and leave everything behind you, but guess what?! The past is still haunting you.”_

“ _You're dead.”_

_Again, he laughed. “And you're not. You're still alive after everything you've done. How long have you been telling yourself that you want peace?_ _You think you deserve it?_ _”_

“ _No I don't!_ _Are you really here to show me what's right and wrong? You of all people...I didn't forget how you_ _killed Lincoln...and_ _how_ _my sister blamed me for it!”_

_And without hesitation he punched me in the face “Get up!_ _It's about time we have this fight, come on get up and fight back!”_

_But I didn't..._ _and lowered my head..._

“ _Gina please, make it stop.” I begged._

_Pike was roaring with laughter “This is_ _exactly your problem!_ _You're still nothing but a scared, pathetic_ _teenager, who's disappointed in life._ _And some people think that you grew up in_ _space...Yet all you do is punishing yourself.”_

_Before I could respond Gina took my hand and_ _dragged me away from there...Suddenly we were_ _outside, this dream wasn't getting any better._ _We were_ _at the field where we killed the Grounder army._ _My heart ached as I just knew these deaths were on me and I_ _sank on my knees and buried my face in my hands._

“ _I don't deserve to life”_

“ _No don't you hide from this.” Gina wanted me to_ _see what we did,_ _but I couldn't. “Look what you_ _and Pike's man_ _did_ _here_ _Bellamy and for once; think about how you'll ever find peace_ _in this_ _.”_

“ _I can't...I'm guilty_ _and there's nothing I can change about it_ _.”_

_She knelt down beside me and took me in her arms “_ _Hey.._ _Think about what your mom said, how long are you going to punish yourself? If you didn't give him the guns, someone else would have done it.”_

“ _I went with him...we- we slaughtered this army and I begged him to let Indra live.”_

_And when_ _I wanted to respond,_ _she was suddenly gone! I was all alone...Some of the dead people on the ground there starting to move an_ _d_ _became zombies, I ran away but they chased me, howling and trying to touch me._

  
  


The horrifying feelings he got again made him sigh deeply, Bellamy needed a large sip of the glass of red wine  that was almost slipping through his fingers . T ears  were welling up, Clarke noticed and wanted to wrap her arms around him, but he pulled away.

"Let me finish the story first..." they were both dead serious right now. Impressed by this dream and the intensity of emotions that it brought back.

But because of that he just had to say something “How you felt after Mount Weather, that's how I felt then. Remember our little conversation on the beach? I cried, but I was broken inside Clarke. And not just because you left.”

Tears were in her eyes when she said “You've been building walls around your heart.”

The way she understood him, their soulmate-bond, it was beyond measure...a blink with his eyes and a little nod confirmed what she just said. The only person who could see through those walls was right next to him.

But before getting emotional over this he looked away and swallowed. First he had to finish the whole story:

  
  


_The ghost of the past was gone, I thought that was a good thing, but you never guess who came to visit me next._

_A man walked up to me with a little girl on his hand, his face was so friendly and he was wearing normal clothes, which is why I didn't recognize him at first._

“ _Mr Blake...” he nodded._

_I was thinking, who is this man and why does he look so familiar? But I hadn't looked at the little girl yet._

“ _Hi Bellamy” she suddenly said._

_I responded with “You know me?” and then I jumped back because she scared the crap out of me. “Charlotte i- is that you?”_

_Her creepy smile frightened me even more “Slay your demons friend.”_

“ _What?” my hands and feet felt heavier again..._

“ _That's what you said to me. Slay your demons. Exactly what I did, but I misunderstood right? Or did you say that to get rid of your own guilt?”_

_The man who held her hand petted her hair “Can you believe there are people out there who call him 'the Heart'?”_

_Charlotte giggled “From what I've seen, he's an asshole.”_

_And suddenly I recognized him, it was Russell “You are a demon yourself, Charlotte go away. Give me some space to slay my demons.”_

_But they both laughed at each other and Russell responded “How are you supposed to win any battle like that? You're a demon yourself. I should've never welcomed you here.”_

“ _I've changed! I'm not like that anymore.” I tried to convince Charlotte...”We- I tried to protect you, save you...Think about it, I tried to be the good guy, I always try...”_

_Russell smiled “Are you sure?” he whistled and a dog ran up to him, it was more half of a wolf then a dog. “My dogs know who's to be trusted or not. If you're lying, he will bite you.” the dog sat down next to me and growled._

“ _I'm telling the truth!”_

_Then he explained the test “We are the ghosts of your present...and it's about time to look where you're at. And I promise you, he will bite if you don't speak the truth.” A smile on his face told me he liked this._

“ _You tried to kill Clarke! You killed her mother...and almost her child!” I was so worked up and frustrated._

“ _And what did she do?” He stepped forward and grabbed me by my throat while the dog started to growl and bark at me “She took away my whole family, the people I love...my wife...my daughter.” Then he roughly grabbed my arm “Let's take a walk Mr Blake...”_


	4. Not a game at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It started with a little, very painful, game...But the ending of this chapter is working towards something. The dream only got harder and it needed a brave person to tell more. 'Together' was the only reason why he could continue, Clarke needed to hear this.

_And suddenly we were at the dance party and I was looking at myself standing on the sidelines. Here came the first question:_

“ _Why were you so pissed off and frustrated here, as you are right now?”_

But Clarke had a question as well and interrupted: “You were there? I never even saw you.”

He glanced at the floor “That's because you were to busy with the doctor.” all of the frustrations came back again, but he tried to put it in the story only.

  
  


_I thought my answer was right, but the sharp pain in my leg told me otherwise after “I left my sister behind in the woods on this unknown planet...”_

_Cursing at the dog didn't make him stop from biting me. “Damn it! Make him stop! Please...”_

_Russel laughed out loud and made a sound so the dog would stop. “Can't say I didn't warn you.”_

“ _But I'm not lying.” I was so sure._

_The dog growled at me and showed his teeth, he wanted another bite...I was forced to try and go back, to think about what I felt then. But I got distracted, I saw Echo walking up to me, just like it happened and we got into a small fight._

_Russel warned me again “Think about what you're going to say next. We both know this is not about her.”_

“ _She didn't understand me, we got into a fight because I felt it wasn't allowed to feel sad about loosing my sister. I told her it would take me a while to feel nothing, like a good Azgeda Spy.” And Clarke, I knew this was the truth, because it was exactly what happened._

“ _Smart...but not good enough. You were already pissed off before that.”_

_I sighed, of course I knew what he meant, but I didn't want to say it, until he changed the rules of the game..._

“ _You're angry at me, I get it. And I also get that I'm not exactly someone you wanna talk to right now...But remember what you did to Lincoln to get answers? I could do torture you as well, but I have a little more class then you Mr Blake. Besides, I hate to force people to talk about their feelings. You can say everything you want about me, but we had peace here in Sanctum before you arrived.”_

_Tears filled my eyes again...feelings...Yeah I guess I'm good at hiding them. “I don't have feelings.”_

“ _Which is why you're with Echo.” he laughed, it was embarrassing._

_I closed my eyes, ready for another painful bite, but it took to long and when I opened my eyes again, he suddenly was gone and I was somewhere else, in the Bunker to be exact. It went to fast, why was I here? This had nothing to do with what just happened._

“ _Ah there you are...About time...” My sister, she had her sword out._

“ _Clarke was here, a bit lost if you ask me. Not able to face you in here.”_

“ _What?”_

_Octavia walked past me and circled around me, her sword was out. “You're in Clarke's Mindspace idiot. Look at me! Take a look at Bloodreina, your little sister. At who I became, because **you** left me behind!”_

_I started crying “I never meant to- I never wanted that O...”_

“ _But you do blame_ _ **me**_ _for the things I've done, yet I never hear you talk about_ _ **what you did!**_ _And you even managed to leave me behind once again. My beloved brother...And Clarke isn't any better. Madi thinks she's a hero, but you two are nothing more then murderers, just like me! You taught me well big brother.”_

_She walked around me, as if she was going to attack me._

“ _Clarke saved us all” I softly responded, but she shook her head...After wiping away some tears I turned to look at her “We had to make the hard choices on Earth and you in this damned Bunker...Because someone needed to lead our people. And I didn't give you credit for what you've done right...And I'm sorry.” we just stared at each other and her face seemed to change a bit._

“ _I saw mom...”_

_But the darkness was greater “Her death is also on you!”_

_I grabbed her and she immediately dropped her sword on the concrete floor “No it is not! All I ever wanted was to protect you, both of you, but I failed and ended up blaming myself...I'm done with that O.”_

_She burst out crying “All I ever wanted was for you to be there, I've missed you so much.” she hugged me and when I opened my eyes she looked normal again, Bloodreina was gone._

“ _I'm the ghost of the things yet to come Bellamy. And your standing on a crossroad right now. Your future depends on what you do with your past, how you deal with your **biggest regret**.”_

_But I cried “I lost you...Octavia you died in my arms and disappeared. I can't do this.”_

_Her hand reached for my face and she wiped away some tears “Hey, I'm not dead. We will meet again.”_

_This dream was so confusing “Yes, you were deadly injured...”_

“ _Just work together with your friends, Raven and Jordan will figure it out. Now stop crying and think about what I've just said.”_

“ _My biggest regret...” I said it like if I didn't know where this was going..._


	5. My biggest regret - The Head and the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything he told, after being so open about himself, Bellamy now reached the hardest part of his dream....Did Clarke ever thought about how it was for him? To say goodbye to his soulmate for good, while she was fighting for her life? 
> 
> And of course it ends with; why he had this dream. And every Bellarke fan will love this!

_This time it was my sister who took my hand and when_ _ I blinked my eyes I saw myself leave for Space with the others. We were all buckled up, but we didn´t move, instead the rocket was standing still, in the sky...And one of the windows was now a huge screen, we could see how it looked like when Praimfaya hit. But the screen zoomed in... _

And I- I saw you, Clarke...running ahead of the death wave...

He swallowed, because his eyes filled up with tears and he tried so hard to go on. But there was this big lump in his throat...Bellamy couldn't look at Clarke, but she lay her hand on his wrist.

His voice was soft “Please don't”

“Bellamy...hey, it's ok. Keep going, you're doing fine.”

His jaws clenched and his voice trembled “I don't know if I can...”

Clarke just gave him some time, it effected her so much, to see how hard this was for him.

r hand to his and caressed it with her thumb.

It helped, he felt calmer. “Clarke...” but he stopped again and remembered what Gina said...Which made him open up his heart “This is the hardest part.”

Then it was quiet, Clarke patiently waited, while he stared at the wall in front of him. “It's ok if you want to take a break”

What he didn't know is that Clarke could use a break too, she was so effected by what he just said, realizing that it was about her, that she started to cry.

Bellamy shook his head and saw how she let him go and quickly stood up, to get the bottle of wine “I guess another one won't hurt us?” she was obviously crying and forced a smile on her face.

Bellamy followed every move she made and took back the refilled glass of wine with two hands...”Wait” he stood up and put the glass back on the nightstand, then he took hers. Their eyes locked, a full heart, empty hands.

They needed each other so badly...and this time it wasn't Clarke who reached out first, it was Bellamy and he took her in his arms like never before, promising:

“I'll never let you go again. You hear me?” 

Clarke nodded, crying on his shoulder, safely nuzzling into his neck, whispering something back:

“I love you so much”

A deep sigh was to be heard, as he deeply inhaled her her lovely and familiar scent, his nose in her hair...Then he brushed away some hair with his hand and sobbed inaudible. Clarke suddenly felt how his chest began to shake uncontrollably...As a response to that she pressed the tip of her fingers into his back to let him know she was there for him, her eyes shut tight, but she couldn't stop the new upcoming tears...Because Bellamy Blake was crying his heart out right here, right where he belonged...and it touched her deeply.

His breathing got heavier because of the crying and after catching his breath again he still didn't say it back, but instead he wanted to finish the story...And with an unsteady voice, higher then usual, he continued once again:

_ I wasn't there for you Clarke...when you needed me the most.  _ _ I saw you, covered in blisters, fighting for your life...How you had to do everything alone, surviving on a dead planet. _

_ Then suddenly the screen was black and we went up... _

Tears filled up his eyes “I- I'm so sorry...”

“You weren't there physically, but I got through it because of **you.** I felt you, like we were still connected...all this time Bellamy. That's why I had to call you every day.”

A careful nod and a sweet stare showed her how much it meant to him.

_ So I asked my sister, how come you're my ghost of the things yet to come, because this is my past? _

_“ Because this, my brother, is your biggest regret. Leaving Clarke behind.”_

_“ And you”_

_ Octavia nodded “But in the end; I want you to be happy. And right now you try to be, but you're fooling yourself. You're punishing yourself, because you're not with the woman you truly love. It's my job to show you that it's time to make a change, to leave the past behind and open your heart. Because then, you will be happy and ...Oh well just look at the screen...” she pointed at the screen where I first saw you after the death wave, but now... _

_ Clarke you looked so unbelievably beautiful – I mean you always do- but now...And I've never seen you in white, but before I could see more, the screen changed and showed me a beach where we sat next to each other, very much in love. _

_ I laughed- are we having a romantic picnic? Octavia seemed to enjoy my happy face, she nodded and pointed to the screen again “More a family picnic.” she winked. _

_ Three kids...? I think we had a twin girls, with blond curls just like you and brown eyes, they were playing in the sand beside you, I think they were toddlers. And we had a boy, who remind me of myself when I was a kid, I think he was about 5 years old. It felt so good when I saw him running towards me, his small arms wide open, wrapping them tightly around me _

_“ Daddy! Will you take me for a swim now?” _

_ I saw myself and noticed I looked younger, no more worries, just happiness...You turned to give me a kiss on the cheek and then I talked to our son. _

_“ Are you ready JJ?” and we went swimming, I didn't want to stop watching this!_

_ Octavia explained the name “You called him Julius Jake.” My heart was so warm... _

"But I woke up...And I knew exactly what I had to do. It was time for me to tell you that I love you too. So that's why I stormed into your room in the middle of the night and kissed you just like that-"

Bellamy couldn't finish what he said, because Clarke kissed him first this time. And as she pressed her lips onto his she got up and sat down, safely back on his lap, there was no reason for them to stop anymore.......

**the end**


End file.
